Irrefutable Arguments

T-t-t-today, Junior!

2006-08-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my complete lack of writing. I think I've written two or three posts over the last year, maybe. Being a total stud takes hard work. Beyond my duties as a total stud, I have to do countless hours of research reading websites and newspapers in order to get the type of ammo I need to write these silly, pointless columns. I have been inspired a couple of times, but usually late at night after an evening of fellowship, which for Mark P. means Michelob Ultras and Jager Bombs. Mass quanities of these beverages apparently make me very angry, because everything under "drafts" in my writing folder drips with a type of anger usually reserved for liberals imagining 20 years of cumulative Reagan/Bush years. The same type of anger I personally usually reserve for baby killers and Mike Kryzyzewski. A seriously mean type of anger. Anywho, I present to you what I will quite uncreatively dub "The Lost Blogs By Mark P." These are the angry ravings that a drunken lunatic (apparently me) left on my computer in the wee hours of a couple of mornings. I will date and annotate for your further enjoyment.

With much preceding ado...

THE LOST BLOGS OF MARK P.

(This first one was way back in November of '05. It's probably the angriest of them all. I'm leaving the typos in, but if you consider my probable condition at the time, it's not too bad. Sorry in advance all the cursing. Actually, I take that back.)

Holy Holy War, Batman

OK. I'll say it. Charles Krauthammer, Robert Novak, Sean Hannity, even Ann 'Motherfuckin' Coulter won't say it.

This is a war between Judeo-Christians and Muslims . In order to win, we have to kill all of the Muslims, and here's why. Because they want to kill us.

It only takes one side to declare a war to the death. My apologies to the friendly Muslims who I like and whose children I went to school with. Your people done fucked up, and if reasonable heads prevail (they won't, they never do. See: Hillary Clinton) you will all die at the hands of a fair, morally correct America.

MESSAGE TO RADICAL MUSLIMS:

If you attack our culture, you should die.

If you attack our people, you will die.

And if you walk your ass into my motherfucking house, rest assured, you will die. You will die a horrible, meaningless, stare-me-in-the-eyes-as-I-laugh, this-is-my-handgun-you-son-of-a-bitch death.

We live in America, which even public school graduates should know was built on our ability to believe what we want to believe and and defend whatever belief we have with a gun.

Hilarious liberals will defend those who wish to attack America, but that says more about the lefties than the maniacs they defend. CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, and MSNBC will champion the doomed Muslims, but television ratings say enough about idealogical, outmoded news outlets.

(Since then I've come to realize that a lot of people say it is a religious war. By the way, I have no idea what provoked this. Next we have a quaint little opinion from December 12, '05 about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.)

Katrina Doesn't Care About Black People

Holy shit, we Americans just got a newsflash. Ready?

A LARGER PERCENTAGE OF WHITES DIED IN KATRINA THAN BLACKS.

For those of you stuck in newtwork news-land, pre-storm New Oreans was 70 percent black, but only 60 percent those who died are black. In other words, if you were white in New Orleans during Katrina, you had a better chance of dying than if you were black.

I know facts are of no consequence to you liberal types, but these are clear. It is obvious, KATRINA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE!

Mother nature is a liberal! And to think all this time I thought she was reasonable.

Get this, public school types...

(That's where I end. I love to address public school types directly, although I myself went to public school. I'm not sure I learned much there other than how to manipulate other public school types for fun and profit. But that's niether here nor there. Next up is my favorite, a rather succint little number from July 13 of this year, '06. Short and sweet, caused by the news that Russian HNIC Vlad Putin made some disparaging comments about America.)

WE SHOULD HAVE NUKED THOSE BASTARDS

America won the Cold War. Remember you commie bastards? We won. We had nukes, lined up, aimed right at your punk asses and you had nukes aimed at us. Then, in magical fashion, a charismatic leader who articulated the virtues of capitalism defeated your status- quo figurehead and toppled your failed government. Remember that? Here, have a couple of squares of toilet paper. I've got plenty; I'm a capitalist.

(Well said if I do say so my damn self.)

Practical Deportation

2006-04-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently one of the problems with any reasonable solution to America's illegal immigration problem (let's call it 'America's Problem With Mexicans) is what to do with the 11 million or so illegals already in this country. I have an idea! How about throwing a giant net over any of these massive protests, leading the protesters to the border, and kicking their butts out. Anybody who is a legitimate citizen will be allowed back in. Anyone else attempting to cross illegally should be treated as an invader to this country. This will cause a couple of things to happen. One, the protests will stop immediately and our agricultural infrastructure will return to normal. Also, Mexicans who wish to enter this country will think twice about doing so illegally.

Of course this will never happen and would require a military buildup at the border including snipers to pick off those stupid enough to take a chance at crossing. But we can dream, right? A more likely scenario is that the media succeeds in fooling America's fools into electing Hillary Clinton President and she appoint s Jimmy Carter as immigration czar. That'll strike fear into their eyes.

I understand the need for workers willing to perform menial labor for low wages. I also understand that there is already a class of millions of Americans who would be willing to to perform these jobs if the alternative was starvation rather than suckling the teet of the American taxpayer. It seems there's two American Dreams. The classic imagery of lifting oneself up by the bootstraps is now challenged by the modern version of wasting away, living off government handouts, complaining about opression and voting Democrat.

Anyway, I like Mexican food, so if Pedro who brings me my cheese dip doesn't have his green card, who am I to complain?

And In Other News, Deion Sanders Is Black

2005-10-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

In probably the single least-newsworthy news story since Cindy Sheehan forgot to put on her make-up for her 15 minutes, Sheryl Swoopes is gay. In case you don't know, Sheryl Swoopes is a WNBA player who revealed to ESPN the Magazine that she has been in a long-term relationship with another woman. The only way anyone knows this is because ESPN reported it on Sportscenter, since nobody actually reads ESPN the Magazine. (Here's a clue, ESPN - marketing something you read to hip-hop types is kinda pointless, no matter how big you make the pictures.) I guess the only surprise here is that the WNBA chick in question turned out to be Swoopes, who has been married and is a mother. It is most definitely not a surprise that a female athlete is a lesbian.

Come on, we all have gaydars. Mine is finely tuned to snoop out lesbians, but only because I kind of like the Indigo Girls. Watch around 30 seconds of any WNBA game (I know, nobody deserves that kind of torture) and you'll turn your gaydar off because that thing will be going haywire. In fact, watch women's soccer, women's tennis, any women's sports and you will find a high percentage of women who are looking for a partner with the same plumbing as I am. This is not to say that male athletes are similarly disproportionately into Rump Ranging. In fact, just the opposite is true. Competitive athletics require a certain bravado, comraderie and competitive spirit that is associated with masculinity. It is true, and any of you Gloria Steinem types who disagree may be better served by coming to grips with the reality of our gender differences than by pretending that they don't exist.

So where does that leave our bleeding-heart flaming liberal friends? Hoping and praying that a male professional athlete will come out, that's where. Christian Laettner anyone? Well, hold your pansy breath, lefty. It ain't gonna happen. Visit the locker room of your local high school football team and see what the atmosphere is like. (Warning - don't do this if you are gay, you are likely to get your ass kicked and arrested.) If you would profess your love for penis in this testosterone den you are a badass and should seriously reconsider this gay thing.

A Fair Day At Our Fair State's State Fair

2005-10-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

I live in the greatest state in the United States, anyone who's read my ramblings knows this. North Carolina is superior to all other states in every way except one - no booze in nudie bars. This is a small complaint about the home of barbecue, the Tarheels, the world's best beaches, the mountains (keeps hippies out of the cities), John Coltrane, small towns, large cities, hot women, and so much more. Poor fools in South Carolina and other wannabes don't know what they're missing, and the freaks in the blue states have themselves convinced that their way of life is better. Sure, I think one pillow-biter should have the right to marry another, but I also think Earl in Scotland Neck shouldn't have worry about it.

I mention my fair state and good 'ole fictional Earl because yesterday I went to the North Carolina State Fair. I went primarily to check out Phil Vasser and Leann Rimes. More specifically, to watch them soundcheck and check out their gear. More on this experience later. I also went to the fair to see what the bottom 10% of our state's population is up to. Short answer - eating fried candy bars and trying to win their girlfriend a Motley Crue mirror for the trailer.

Holy shit people, it's like everyone who didn't evacuate New Orleans and survived was airlifted into the fairgrounds. Include every latino construction worker and every caucasian employee of Wal-Mart in the state and you have a general idea of the average fairgoer. If you bombed the fairgrounds and killed everyone (save Leann Rimes, she is hot) you would instantly experience what I like to call the Bill Bennett effect. Crime way down, productivity way up. I couldn't help thinking what percentage of the money spent at the fair comes indirectly from the government through welfare and other leftist/socialist wealth redistribution plans. To be sure, these were the recipients of Marxist wealth redistribution, not exactly the type fretting over the reinstatement of the Death Tax.

Anywho, while I was there I decided to do as the Romans do and eat a deep fried candy bar. This could quite possibly be the worst thing I have ever put in my body nutritionally, but also among the tastiest. Christ, a melted Snickers bar on a stick surrounded some doughy shit and covered in powdered sugar. To quote the great and wise Hank Hill, "Peggy, get my keys!" This is unadulterated genius, and good enough reason to brave the Badlands and head to the fair. Stomach ache, be damned!

So I went to Leann Rimes soundcheck to check out the P.A. system and all the expensive goodies the players had, and to ogle at Leann. Well, living up to the stereotype she was a huge bitch and didn't show up at soundcheck because she was pissed about something or other, who knows. Just goes to show you, put a woman in charge of something and you are asking for trouble. Another way to ask for trouble, by the way, is to post your not-so-PC observations of life online.

Hockey Blocker 3000

2005-10-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, to this point in my life I have not gained the level of wealth that I deserve. That will all change with my new invention, the Hockey Blocker 3000.

Now, I hate hockey with a passion usually reserved for Muslims who strap bombs to their chests and actually have the stones to pull the cord. However, given my libertarian-esque social outlook I wouldn't give a shit about this Canadian abomination if it never entered my sphere of consciousness, but apparently there are enough drunken Yankees that actually care about this euro-trash "sport" that ESPN must incessently remind us of who whacked what cowpie through which silly net. "Flevidov Jackmeoff ice skated for a while then scored a goal on Yuri Givshitnikoff to let the New Jersey Loudmouths beat the Kiev Communists." Stuart Scott's ebonic descriptions of this garbage (boo-ya!) may make Sal in Newark watch Sportscenter, but not me. Frankly, I'd rather watch soccer and if you knew how difficult that is for me to say you know the pain of a mother losing a son.

Alas, faithful readers, I have solved the problem! Install the handy Hockey Blocker 3000 on your television, radio and PC and never be annoyed by the Socialist Sport again! While Scott and the like boo-ya their way over another endless hockey segment on Sportscenter you will hear the soothing sounds of the ocean, some soft rock, or your own custom MP3 playlist! After the communist propaganda is over, you'll be returned to important sporting matters, such as anything remotely pertaining to the NFL. The Hockey Blocker 3000 uses space-age technology to sense when someone is about to committ Hockey Talk and begins your user-defined defense mechanism. Eventually, I can picture celebrity "block-casts" that feature your favorite real athletes talking about why they hate hockey. Now you can wage your own Cold War against the remaining influence of the Soviet Union!

With my newfound wealth, I plan on buying hockey teams one by one and disbanding them. I understand it would ruin the cash flow from the HB3k, but I'm a humanitarian at heart.

Boo-ya!

Katrina, You Ignorant Slut

2005-09-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago George Bush ordered a hurricane to hit New Orleans, then he forced tons of blacks to stay in town then he personally blocked any food and supplies from being delivered. Now he has the gumption to order another hurricane to hit the U.S., this time in my home state, the top state in the nation in every way, North Carolina. THE BASTARD! I swear, first he knocked down the World Trade Center, then he lied and kids died, then he raised gas prices, now this! Somehow during this time he managed to cause some children to be born retarded and force me to gain 25 pounds. He must be impeached!

Any damn fool who watches Jon Stewart for their news would believe all of these things.

By the way, Willie Parker is my hero. He worked his ass off at Carolina and never got any real glory because of the mediocrity (or worse) of the program, and in his first game as a pro he is the NFL Offensive Player of the Week.

I'm gonna go watch the weather channel and curse George Bush because he made it rain and my gig is cancelled.

The NBA Blows Ass

2005-06-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

The NBA blows, and here is why: The drafts of two major sports are more exciting than even playoff NBA basketball.

It is true, you nancies, the NFL draft gets higher television ratings than the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. Oddly enough, the NBA draft gets higher television ratings than the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. Think about this. These are drafts, nobody is playing a game. Nobody even finds out who did well and how bad the Clippers screwed up for years. YEARS! I mean, I enjoy the NFL and NBA drafts a lot, but they are pretty boring compared to watching ACTUAL SPORTS. Except for the NBA, which is worse than watching back hair grow.

I'd like to know the ratings for the NBA playoffs among Caucasians. I mean, look at how this horrible league is marketed - hip-hop music, guys with tattoos, cornrows, and more gold on their teeth than Mr. T has around his neck trying to tell my lilly-white ass to tune in and watch these genetic freaks shoot 35% from the field. No thanks.

So if the NBA sucks so badly, why is the draft so interesting? Of course I know, people. Pay attention and you too will have this exciting knowledge.

The NBA draft is interesting for two reasons. First, because people love college basketball so much that they watch to see where their guys go. I am a Carolina fan, not only because they have the best, most storied program in college basketball, but also because every other program is a classless, worthless piece of shit. So naturally I will tune in and watch these four guys get drafted that I've been following since they were in high school. I've seen them go from small town phenoms with bright futures to college saviors to National Champions. I've never met them, but I genuinely care about their futures. I'm not alone; many others are following their guys in the same way. Not dook, though. They didn't have any players anywhere NEAR good enough to be drafted this year. Also, they haven't followed their players to SHIT, other than early NCAA disappointment.

The next reason the NBA draft is exciting is because of the pure spectacle of seeing these teenagers and kids in their early 20's turn instantly from poor to rich. In many cases, these kids grew up in inner cities with absentee parents and no hope of a normal life. Sure, there are some kids who are bad kids and don't deserve shit, but for every one of them there is a Raymond Felton, who grew up in Latta, SC, without a pot to piss in. After tonight, he'll be able to burn one hundred dollar bills while he pisses in a gold plated pot encrusted with diamonds. That's pretty good TV.

File Under: "No Shit, Sherlock"

2005-06-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

“During last year’s presidential campaign, John F. Kerry was the candidate often portrayed as intellectual and complex, while George W. Bush was the populist who mangled his sentences. But newly released records show that Bush and Kerry had a virtually identical grade average at Yale University four decades ago.”
— Reporter Michael Kranish in the June 7 Boston Globe

I'm waiting for the first time the "mainstream media" will accurately portray presidential candidates. Think about it...

Reagan - dumb
Bush 41 - wimp, dumb
Dole - dumb, old, feeble
G.W. Bush - dumb

It is truly amazing that the Republican party can run nothing but totally incompetent buffoons for the last 25 years against genius types like Bill Clinton and John Kerry, yet they still manage to control the White House and both houses of Congress! In other words, cerebral leftists like Walter Mondale and Micheal Dukakis haven't been able to manage a majority of votes against Republican candidates with combined brainpower of the average NBA player.

WAIT! Maybe that's not what's happening. Maybe intelligent, educated voters (read: Republican voters) can see through the bullshit offered by radical liberal operatives like Dan Rather and anybody who writes for the New York Times?

Make me a bet. Who will take me a 3-1 odds that in 2008 the Repulican nominee will be portrayed as stupid and the Democrat as a smart, go-getter type? Man, the "Laughable Left" might should find a new campaign strategy, maybe they'd win an election.

Go Cubs.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR MEDIA TYPES

2005-06-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

OK, media jackasses. Repeat after me: THE DETAINEES AT GUANTANAMO BAY ARE NOT COVERED BY THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

Repeat that again.

And again.

OK, now you can go back to square one and find something else to complain about. The fact of the matter is when any Geneva Convention guidelines are followed at Gitmo it is only out of the kindness of our hearts. Our AMERICAN hearts, you leftist maniacs. Just how do you anti-American liberal democrat types think that the terrorists would treat any detainees they might pick up along the way? OH WAIT! That's right!. We have video tape of them beheading the people they capture! Only these people are journalists, not freakish Islamic radicals hell bent on America's demise. If we killed the some 500 murderous maniacs detained at Guantanamo Bay, we'd still be 2,249 short of eveing the score for 9/11.

So here's what I say do. Take 500 Korans, put them in a giant container, parade the radical prisoners by and force them to unrinate on their precious holy book. If they refuse, chop their dicks off and throw them in the container. Maybe that would change their minds. I would say then throw the radicals in the container and burn the whole thing, but that would be cruel and unusual.

I'm not that type of guy, at least not publicly. My public stance would be to take 500 DVD copies of "Fahrenheit 9/11" (plenty of unopened copies available at your local Wal-Mart), parade radical liberals Micheal Moore, Harry Reid, Hillary Clinton, Dan Rather, Howard Dean, and John Kerry by and force them to urinate on their precious propaganda vehicle. Well, save Howard Dean, he is covertly working for the Jeb Bush 2006 Campaign.

By the way, women's sports suck, and so do Europeans. Especially the French. Nobody wants to smell your crotch from across the room, Pierre.

OK, later.

Why Baseball Rules and Hillary Clinton Sucks

2005-06-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

OK, let me start by saying that I have a feeling Bill Clinton would challenge my assertion that Hillary sucks. (rimshot)

Baseball rules, and here's why. It doesn't give a damn about anything. It has been largely the same game for over 100 years. The game that my Grandfather watched in the 1930's is the same one, by and large, that I watch today. What else is there that has no clock? These guys go out there and play until someone wins, dammit. And the most important thing is who has more runs, and nothing else. It's good stuff, and it's what makes summer good. I think I could even live where the aliens live (Japan) since I could still watch some baseball. Those dastardly Japs are pretty good at our game, you know. Maybe going to school on Saturdays makes you a good baseball player.

Nobody in this country who pays even cursory attention to politics needs an explanation why Hillary Clinton sucks, except for those who support her, of course. Unfortunately for her, these people are flaming liberals who's idea of problem solving letting the government run everything. Sure, hippie, they've done so well with the school system we should let them run health care, too. If I ever manage to reproduce I hope I have the means to keep my kids out of public schools. Or at least be able to live somewhere where the schools are decent, if such a place exists.

Does it say anything about liberal ideology when the best political strategy they've come up with since Jimmy Fuckin' Carter somehow got elected is to adopt conservative ideas on issues? Do these people think Voting Americans will believe that Hillary is a moderate? That she's anything but a far-left radical socialist borderline communist? My god, the woman makes Ted Kennedy look like John McCain. Well, a drunken vehicular-homicide committing version of John McCain.

The Clinton/Dean/Kerry liberals of today's democratic party are overestimating the ability of a pot-smoking hippie to get off the couch long enough to actually vote. The concept of the Voting American is largely different than that of the GULLIBLE American. I once overheard a young, hipster friend of mine comment that "nobody she knows" supported Bush. Well, I have a feeling on election day she was on the couch with her mouth around a bong saying, "yeah, we'll go vote in a little while. Wait, am I registered?"

And that's a good thing.

A Short List of People Who Can Blow Me

2005-05-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

This is in no way a comprehensive list.

1. Bono
2. Jane Fonda
3. George Lucas
4. Dan Rather
5. Ryan Seacrest
6. Oprah
7. Mike Krysziuyeriyrfgski
8. The gay guy on "Will and Grace"
9. Keanu Reeves
10. Eva Longoria (no, seriously. Eva, call me.)

For Every Animal You Don't Eat, I'm Going To Eat Three*

2005-05-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

*Maddox reference

Not to rip off my hero Maddox, but vegetarians piss me off. As the great and wise Maddox once said, for every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three.

I was watching the muckraking documentary Super Size Me, which is pretty well done and worth a rent, by the way, and I got all riled up because the filmmaker's girlfriend is a "vegan" chef. And she's not even hot! Please explain to me why you would date this annoying person? I think Morgan Spurlock is talented and I'm looking forward to his show on TLC or one of those channels, but I think he is a closet vegetarian who claimed to be into meat to make his movie more plausible. In fact, he may be into meat of a different variety.

This movie is in the Upton Sinclair muckraking mold, which I think serves a purpose, and in this instance Spurlock is on the money about McDonald's. But why do I get the feeling that Spurlock could also be touring the South filming admittedly hilarious looking rednecks talking about how gun manufacturers are responsible for shootings? Or that rich Americans don't pay enough tax? Or that requiring poor Americans to actually work is cruel and unusual? Let's face it- chances are good this dude is a tree-hugging, vegan-banging, leaf-and-granola-eating socialist who thinks we should hear Saddam's side of the story before we chop his dick off.

Speaking chopping dicks off, anybody object to the public de-penising of the guy that killed his daughter and her friend in Florida? If we cut enough dicks off in public, crimes like this would stop happening. Ask the people in Singapore who get the shit beat out of them in a public square when they so much as spit on the ground. Wait, we need to make sure we don't hurt anyone's feelings.

Back to meat and how much vegetarians suck. Do these foolish do-gooders really think that throughout the history of mankind we should have been eating grass and not the delicious cooked asses of our bovine friends? We should stick to fruit and not eat a pork tenderloin? My god, somebody cook these people some barbecue and it'd be over with. It's obvious that these people haven't eaten the right food, because once you grub down a plate of B's Barbecue it's impossible to not want some more. Unless your mind is riddled with marijuana, the Grateful Dead, and one too many veggie burritos. So I just have to ramp up my meat eating to make up for these misguided souls. Maybe some pork stuffed pork chops with a side of ribs.

It's A Tough Life

2005-04-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

So apparently I left a unintentionally humorous message on my buddy's cell phone the other night at 2:40 AM. I know this because he told me, not because I have any recollection of actually making the phone call or leaving him the message. I'm starting to do shit I don't remember when I get into the beer.

I admit it - I love beer. I drink it regularly, a couple times a week, I'd say. Well, maybe a few. I have a couple of regular places I like to go and enjoy a libation or 12. My personal favorite is Sunday nights at a local restaurant. It could be it's the cheap pitchers, the live music, the good food, or the relaxing atmosphere outside on the patio, but I'm sure the reason I love it so is not the insanely hot women who work there wearing tight T-shirts and shorts so small if I wore them I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. No way.

I sit and and bask in the hotness and drink beer until I get so drunk I have Home Now Time ("HOME NOW! HOME NOW!"), or 11 o'clock comes around and they kick me out. Back in my 20's (last week) it seemed less often that the day after a night out my friends look at me, point, and giggle under their breath. I know when this happens that I did something, said something or drank something that these people somehow consider outside the realm of "reasonable." Since I have survived 30 years on this Earth and plan on surviving at least another 30, preferably two more 30's, maybe I should curtail this activity that surely lessens my chances of seeing my greatest dream occur - Coach K retires and admits that his hair has been gray since 1995.

So did I ever tell you about the time my friends took up a collection and paid me $37 to chug an entire pitcher of beer in 30 seconds? These fools thought I would actually do it! Screw that, I chugged the damn thing in 14 seconds! Challenge ME, motherfuckers.

From the "I Stand Corrected But You Can Blow Me I Am Still Always Right" department here at Irrefutable Arguments: So there is such a thing as a hot, not stupid, not annoying Yankee chick. My Yankee Friend 's sister is in town to visit him (in his words "my sistah") and she is not the stereotypical Yankee chick. In fact, she is good looking, her hair doesn't stick up in the front, she seems to be intelligent, I don't think I saw her chew even a single piece of gum, and she is not the least bit annoying. I chalk it up to a fluke, especially considering My Yankee Friend (just kidding, don't go into a rage of Yankee fury). Really though, some people prove negative stereotypes but it's nice when you meet someone who is different and better.

SHIT, I ALMOST FORGOT. Happy Earth Day, liberals. I say we all get in a big circle, hold hands and talk about our feelings. Then the Earth will cry a giant tear!

If There's A Hell, I'm Going

2005-04-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

I just don't give a damn about the Pope. Living, dead, returning from the dead, selling lemonade in heaven, I don't care. See, here is the funny thing - I am not Catholic. In fact, I think some Catholics are pretty strange people. The rituals are just kind of bizarre, and dammit, it's a wedding not church time. I think we need to take weddings out of churches and move them into bars. That's the whole damn point, not the glorification of ritualistic belief in the supernatural. Besides, aren't Catholics some of the most alcohol loving people in the world?

I wouldn't care if they'd just give me the news back. First it was Terry Schiavo, now the Pope. Do they think we really care? Turn it to the Catholic Channel if you want to see 'round the clock Pope-is-dead news. Wait - there is no Catholic Channel? There is not enough demand in America for a 24-hour channel about Catholicism? NO SHIT. So give me my cable news back.

Anyway, I am turning 30 next week and I'm in no mood. If I would have bought a house directly after birth, I'd be making my last payment. If I had bought shares of just about any company that has lasted that long, I wouldn't spending my time writing stupid crap on the internet, I'd be fighting off women in Maui and worrying about the prices of helicopter fuel. If I would have saved a penny a day I would have $109.50, $109.57 if you count leap years. I will be exactly as far from 40 as I am from 20 and that will only last one day.

I read somewhere that 40 is the new 30, but I quickly decided that was the single most retarded statement I've ever heard. Well, other than anything Al Gore ever said.

Speaking of Al Gore, he apparently just launched a TV network. Any takers on over/under one year for this miserable idea? Why can't somebody (I nominate me) just tell Al Gore that he is a total idiot? That he needs hide in his swank DC apartment and grow his beard back so he can better please Tipper? This man's public career is over, and everybody can see it but him. It's the emperor’s new clothes, and he's hung like a midget.

Speaking of midgets, they are some funny looking human beings. Poor Mini-Me peeing on the floor in The Surreal Life is the only thing competing with Coach K wearing sneakers in the fetal position before a game. If only Mini-Me could have been there to pee on Coach K, now THERE is humor.

Slowest News Week Since The Shark Attack Epidemic Of 2001

2005-03-22T15:24:00.000-08:00

OK, somebody shoot me. Considering our involvement in Iraq and the world climate in which insane Muslims want to kill Americans, the judicial nominee filibuster mess, and so many other items that qualify as actual "news," it burns my ass that all the news networks are running an All Schiavo, All The Time news cycle. I feel for her family and her situation is tragic, but I'm sorry, and you can call me a cold hearted individual, but I just don't GIVE THAT MUCH OF A SHIT! Sorry for yelling and cursing, but come on. I don't wake up in the morning and wonder, "HMMM! Did the poor chick die yet?" I generally wake up wondering a.) Where is my car? and b.) Did any maniacal Muslims slam an airplane into any iconic American centers of finance this morning?

As long as we have troops overseas, I don't think any week can be considered a "slow news week." So why is the Schiavo News Network all over cable? Is it because another cute white girl hasn't been abducted? The Jessica Lunsford story is heartbreaking, and if I had my way the man who committed this horrendous crime would be tortured every day for the rest of his pathetic life. Something awful, like forcing him to listen to Ashlee Simpson's latest single. But when the news networks report these abductions, they should be forced reveal the number of other children who are missing at the time, and give a plausible reason why they are not doing a story on them. It'd be hilarious to hear liberals squirm defending this obvious racism. Kinda like hearing them defending Affirmative Action.

Terri Schiavo and Jessica Lunsford now join the ranks of the Great Shark Attack Epidemic of The Summer of 2001. Otherwise known as "What The News Was Talking About While Radical Islam Planned The Worst Attack On American Soil In History." Elian Gonzalez, Chandra Levy, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson, all interesting stories in their own way, but all don't mean a lick to anyone other than the active participants. Speaking of active participants, you think when he gets to jail Michael Jackson will kick someone's ass or become someone's bitch? The only question is whether he will like it or if the other prisoners are too old for him. And does he get in with the blacks or the Aryans?

Well, I'm off to check on Terri Schiavo. THIS IS HUGE!!!

Bye Bye Dan, We Hardly Watched Ya

2005-03-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, network news has become irrelevant. Those remaining Americans who actually watch these media geezers spew their sludge are a.) already fooled and too stupid to realize it or b.) too smart to be fooled (read: average intelligence and above) and only watch because they have for years and aren't changing. The idea that the same people who bring you "Survivor" or "Everybody Loves Raymond" should be the same people who inform you about world events is an antiquated notion bearing origin in the earliest days of television. Dan Rather's scandalous, tail-between-the-legs retreat to the liberal speech circuit is the latest shot in the war of modern news triumphing over old-school news/propaganda.

I don't buy this blog crap as anything more than millions of little James Carvilles with better ideas calling out the big boys of news for bullshitting the American people for years. News companies should deliver news and pundits should analyze news. Too often the line is blurred, even ignored, especially on network news. Their bias is so transparent and blatent that I didn't even finish Bernard Goldberg's second book. Remember, however, that pundits and news analysts are allowed to be biased. In fact, that is their job. We all know that Carville, Tucker Carlson, Pat Buchanen, Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes are opinionated figures who fall on one side of the political fence or the other. But Rather, Jennings, Brokaw, Russert, Olbermann, and company are supposed to deliver the news instead of commmenting on it. Olbermann is the worst of the lot. Is Countdown a news program or a commentary program? We know it is a failure as a program, but what kind of failure? Olbermann is a pathetic windbag whose views are just left of liberal former Ku Kux Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd (D) WV. His show is a quasi-news anti-Bush crusade that exemplifies what is wrong with news in America. Even our primary news providers, the cable news big boys, need to do better job of distinguishing between who is reporting the news and who is commenting on it.

This brings us to Citizen Dan, who for years has commented on the news in his own way, both in the stories he reports and especially in those he doesn't. His third place CBS Evening News have been on the wrong side of some very serious charges recently that I will not discuss further, other than to say anyone who cannot distinguish between the forged documents and the Armstrong Williams issue is in dire need of some basic media education. (That gives me an idea for a post - 'Basic Economics For Liberals'. Coming soon to a Irrefutable Arguements near you!) Needless to say, Rather will hardly be missed and the world will be that much closer to an honest news flow.

An Ashlee And Jessica Sammich

2005-02-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

I am an adult male. I am not a teen. In fact, I am damn near 30 at the time of this writing. My name is Mark P. and I am a Simpsonoholic.

Admittedly, the target audience for Newlyweds and Ashlee is 14 year-old chicks. I am so far from being a 14 year-old chick that they frequently scream and flee at the very sight of me. For some reason, I think the Simpson girls and their myopic approach to life make for hilarious television.

I'll start with the young'un, Ashlee. First and foremost, she has no discernable musical talent of any kind. None. Bad voice, bad songwriter, bad everything. Granted, I have never seen her act, but if her singing is any indication she can't be very good. This lack of talent is what makes her show so great. Ashlee's constant battle against her voice is an epic struggle between stupidity and reality. She makes excuses why she can't sing - sore throat, stress, etc. She even blamed her being booed after the halftime show of the Orange Bowl not on her flailing, cacophonous, morbidly comical performance but on the fact that Nick Lachey was rooting for Southern Cal. Uhh, check it out Ashlee. You suck and you got caught with your pants down and you now have to face the music. The fact that Ashlee has a career in music and that she even won an award (if you can call the Billboard things "awards") says everything you need to know about popular music. I would love to see Joss Stone whip Ashlee's ass in a cage match. Bikinis optional.

Jessica Simpson, Ashlee's way hotter, marginally talented, remarkably dim older sister is a different story. Although her odd gyrating action and awkward poses are slightly off-putting, her voice actually sounds above average. She may be the single whitest woman on Earth and her hilarious attempts at soulfulness provide some serious unintentional humor. All that aside, Newlyweds is great programming for three reasons. One, Jessica is hot. Really, really hot. This show can be watched on mute and not lose a whole lot of merit. While Nick Lachey has no doubt dipped into the great cookie jar of boy band chasers on many occasions, he reeled in a world class piece of ass to keep. Secondly, Jessica is so profoundly dimwitted that she would probably lose to Homer Simpson and a 4 year old in a game of Trivial Pursuit. I've heard speculation that her airheadedness is an act, but in order to be that convincing she would have to be the greatest actor in world history. I'm taking bets that that's not the case. The third reason why Newlyweds kicks ass is Nick Lachey. I am not a metrosexual by any means, but Nick seems like the kind of guy who while the cameras weren't running would say, "Dammit, Jessica! What does a guy have to do to get some head around here?" He has this great life - successful career (if a little on the feminine side), loads of dough, a huge house, a hot piece of ass wife. Yet Jessica just doesn't seem like the road head type of chick. She'll figure out soon enough that Nick is a road head kind of guy (we all are, by the way) and if she doesn't start leaning over the gearshift Nick will find someone who will.

This concludes my discussion on the fabulous Simpson girls. I will close with a simple prayer that their musical careers go down the drain fast enough for them to appear in Playboy before their boobs sag.

Movies, Hipsters, and Congressmen.

2005-02-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

Blog Promise Failure Alert: I am not going to see all five Academy Award Best Picture nominees before the ceremony. I probably will not see any of them other than the one I have already seen, Sideways, and The Aviator. My plan was to see The Aviator in the theater, but luckily I read in advance that it was 2 hours and 50 minutes long. I'm sorry, Scorcese. In the rare case that your film lasts more than 2 hours seek medical attention immediately. My poor ass couldn't handle even the most comfortable movie chair for 3 damn hours. The only reason I would sit in a theater for 3 hours is a Back To The Future marathon, but only if I could have 5 minutes to walk around a little in between films. I know, I am a musician so I should be all excited about Ray. I hate to break it to everyone who has just discovered that Ray Charles was good, but I checked him out years ago and I didn't like him all that much. I'll pick it up on video, maybe. Maybe.

It bothers me when people brag about not watching TV. We all know this is bullshit, you are not fooling anyone. You know, the hipster blabbing, "I never watch TV. I'm never home, how could I watch TV." (Italics indicate condescending hipster voice.) Let's face it, trendy types. You watch as much as anyone. Queer Eye counts as TV, you know. These are the same people who describe their fashion style as "unique" when they dress more predictably than the candidates at a presidential debate. I love TV, I admit it. I watch the hell out of some sports, as long as it's not hockey or college football. I am a news junkie. Not the local, shitty kind, but the 24-hour Brit-Hume-is-my-crack kind. I watch great old sitcoms, meaning nothing created after Friends, except for an occasional Just Shoot Me. I also am addicted to teen MTV bullshit, like anything having to do with a Simpson. In fact, I think I will save my Simpson commentary for its own article. I also love any version of Law and Order, although Criminal Intent was disaster. I love animated comedies, like The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of the Hill, even Futurama. And like George Costanza wished he was a Civil War buff, I wish I watched the History Channel.

Explain to me again why David Duke is any different than Robert Byrd?

Does anyone else think that Larry Kings living room is an exact replica of his CNN studio? I can picture him in the morning, hunched over his desk reading the paper, little light balls glowing behind him.

I am distracted now since I mentioned the Simpson chicks. The wheels are turning for one scintillating blog.

Carolina Barbecue For Dummies

2005-02-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

Listen up, dummies. One of the world's foremost experts in the enjoyment of Carolina barbecue is here to help us understand this often mercurial treat. It takes time to appreciate the essence of this delectable treat, it's not something that the slow among us can fully grasp without some concerted effort. I am this expert, as you might expect.

By the way, I can't believe the "For Dummies" series of books has been the wild success that it has. Here is the thought process involved in puchasing one of these books: "I wish to perform a task or complete some objective that to this point I have no clue how to accomplish. I am stupid. I am going to purchase this book specifically for me, a stupid, stupid person." I have a feeling if Gutenburg knew his glorious invention would be used to print something with the title "Sex For Dummies," he would have thrown it in a river. But I digress.

I refer to what us people down here below the Mason-Dixon call barbecue as "Carolina barbecue" because there are simply too many variations and abominations of this concept that the word in the generic bears little meaning. For instance, let me get this straight once and for all: BARBECUE IS A NOUN, AND IT IS NOT A GRILL. I'll stop yelling, though yelling seems to be the only way Yankees know how to communicate. Barbecue is a food item, it is not something you cook food on and for Christ's sake it's not a gathering usually held in the backyard during which grilling takes place. I propose a constitutional amendment clearly defining this important word. Let gay folks marry whoever they want, let's get this barbecue thing straight.

There are wonderful foods in other, less perfect parts of the country, I grant you that. Memphis, Kansas City and Texas in particular prepare excellent versions of barbecue that deserve constitutional amendments in their own right. However, here in the Carolinas, barbecue is an institution. A very way of life for the men and women who spend up to ten hours a day tending to the slow cooking swine. I have taken the privalege of ranking these different kinds of barbecue for the less informed among us.

1. Carolina barbecue
2. Anything else

So what is Carolina barbecue? It is all of three distinct styles of hog preperation taking place in North and South Carolina. I include North Carolina's stepchild to the south simply because while the version cooked in the North is superior, South Carolina barbecue shares the most important characteristics that make Carolina barbecue what it is. Lexington style, Eastern North Carolina style, and South Carolina style are the major catagories of 'cue, and I only include South Carolina for completeness. This conlcudes any discussion anyone who would put mustard on their hog and eat it with white bread.

What the Lexington and Eastern N.C. styles share is slow cooked, tender, juicy, succulent, smoky flavored hog served with slaw, vegetables and some type of bread. The selection of side dishes is a discussion in itself, and will be explored at length on www.welovebbq.com soon. What distinguishes the two styles are the sauce and the way the pig is cut. Lexington sauce is a sweet, tomato based concoction poured over long, "pulled" strips of hog. Eastern NC sauce is mostly vinegar and red pepper and is cooked in the pig then poured over finely chopped hog. Both varieties are excellent, and both could be discussed and praised indefinitely. Hence www.welovebbq.com.

Ha-Ha-Hockey

2005-02-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, Yankees and Canadians - hockey sucks. No, there is nothing inherently wrong with it as a sport. Nor does it suck as an in-person spectator sport. In fact, drinking heavily and watching some surly Russians kick each others ass can be fun. But the unfortunate fact for North America's cold climate dwellers is that hockey is not a viable television show. In fact, it sucks.

Only one market is important in sports today, and it is the largest market in the free world - American television audiences. Canadian ratings don't matter, game attendance doesn't matter, even the ratings in large American TV markets like New York and Detroit don't matter. Advertising revenue depends on the rest of America, and that part of the country isn't watching.

Come to think of it, other than California, the map of hockey loving America looks a lot like John Kerry loving America. Is there a link between hockey and leftism? Many of the players ARE from former communist states. That doesn't explain California, though. I'm just trying to think of one more subject on which Californians and the majority of Americans agree. Oh yeah, porn.

I chuckle when I think of hockey's braintrust, if it indeed exists, sitting in a smoky room and trying to come up with a plan to sell their frigid sport to NASCAR loving southerners. Can anyone argue that hockey is the fourth major sport rather than stock car racing? The people that try are likely speaking French and wondering why they paid fair Canada half of their income last year.

Another great source of humor is the TV ratings. In 2003, ESPN hockey broadcasts averaged a .46 rating, or about 500,000 viewers. The finals series, the FINALS now, the damn Stanley Cup Finals, averaged a 2.4, or a little over 3 million. This is funny, and eerily similar to the rating for my fellow East Carolina Pirate Vince McMahon's XFL debacle. A .46? ESPN gets nearly that good for bowling in the middle of the night, and substantially better for the questionable "sport" of poker. And that was in 2003, a full year before the current work stoppage.

Hockey players are just going to have to realize that their economic potential is not like that of football, basketball or baseball. They cannot expect the exorbitant salaries that the players in these sports expect. The players union has to relent and accept a hard salary cap, or Segei and Pavel and company will have to head back to Coldwarlosersistan and play hockey in exchange for toilet paper.

I can see the commercial now, a poor Canuck standing on a mountain, a single tear streaming down his cheek.

Best Picture Nominee #1 - Sideways

2005-02-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

My buddy Thomas, in his infinite wisdom, suggested I go see all of the Oscar Nominees for Best Picture and write about them. I am no movie reviewer, though I did write about that abominable piece of trash "The Matrix" a few years ago. If I can get a hold of that diatribe, I'll post it here. Save that scathing piece, I've never reviewed anything. So I'm not gonna start. Instead, I'll just say what I thought about the movie, and then probably ramble on about stuff like how much I like Robert Cray.

"Sideways" had Lowell Mather from "Wings" in it, who I guess goes by the name Thomas Haden Church now that he's moved away from Nantucket and stopped being an airplane mechanic. Maybe Thomas Haden Church is his alter ego for the witness protection program. I know Lowell got messed up with that mafia guy, but Buzz was a horrible replacement.

Lowell's character Jack is a shallow, shallow man. His "plight," as he refers to it, gets him in some trouble, though not enough to ruin his wedding. I mean, I like chicks as well as the next guy, more than many liberals even, but this guy has a problem. Lowell is funny in the role, and considering I haven't seen any of the other films, he's my favorite for Best Supporting Actor.

Paul Giamatti's Miles character is a sad sack of shit, wallowing in the misery of a 2-year-old divorce. In trying to show his buddy a good time, he ends up battling his own demons when he finds out his ex has just gotten remarried. Miles is likable, but you can't help but want to kick him in the ass and say "CHEER UP, DUDE!"

This movie is funny as hell, and my favorite line is Jack exhorting Miles while the two were about to meet up with some girls they had met to not "drink too much and go to the dark side." I think most of us have been there. I know I have some vivid and some not-so-vivid memories of about being depressed and trying to drink for fun. There is a fine line between forgetting all about something for a few minutes and threatening to kill everyone in the room.

"Sideways" is really a coming of age movie, but not in the "Stand By Me," adolescent kind of way. More like two grown men struggling with growing older and dealing with the twists and turns of life. Good damn movie. There is no way that any movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio is any better than this. We'll see, I think "The Aviator" is next.

Did I mention how much I like Robert Cray?

Catchphrases - Don't Go There

2005-02-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

At the end of the day, catchphrases make me Uber-pissed.

Now, don't I sound like Ashlee Simpson? Or Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee (D) TX? I do, because I used two catchphrases in one short sentence. The close cousin of the catchphrase, the buzzword, is irritates equally and is a leading indicator that the user has very little to actually say and lacks the basic intelligence to articulate verbally without resorting to neatly packaged pre-fab phrases.

Historically, our catchphrases have entered the American lexicon through television, often in the form of taglines from commercials or popular characters on shows. From "Where's the beef?" to my personal favorite that I still use when appropriate, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" TV has been a source of countless annoying, useless, meaningless phrases from which Leonard from Accounts Payable has extracted innumerable laughs from his fellow morons.

Television brought us such beauties as "wassup?" and "NOT!" both of which "took it to the next level" catchphrase-wise, and gave us a bridge to the modern era of stupidity. These days, our catchphrases come in large part from the one place even more devoid of intellectual merit than television - hip hop.

That's right, Blue Staters, I am generalizing a musical genre dominated by blacks, and blaming them for dumbing down our English language even farther than their predecessors in Hollywood could manage.

As soon as Dr. Dre claimed he had "been there and done that," hip hop has been a fountain of stupidity providing stupid people with stupid, meaningless things to say. "It's all good," though. I'm not sure anyone thought these people where brimming with ideas to begin with.

In the spirit of tolerance and in deference to our Blue State brethren, some of our worst can't be blamed on the Notorious B.I.G.'s and Jay-Z's of the world. "Dude" and "man" have been around since a Democratic presidential candidate won a majority, along with the oddities "you da man!" and "no shit Sherlock?" How a legitimate literary character like Sherlock Holmes got messed up is this business I'll never know.

Catchphrases have always been with us. They will likely be around for good, propagating in new realms on the internet such as instant messaging and the "blogosphere" (CATCHPHRASE ALERT!). Fortunately, hip hop culture has embraced the catchphrase and will provide us with some great ways to express ourselves without even thinking. NOT!

Blogging Is For Pussies

2005-02-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I even like the damn word "blog," but since the practice has been annointed the lastest "Future Of The Internet" I figured I'd give it a try.

I think my next post will be like my buddy Thomas, who put a "Ten Things To Know About Me" doo-hicky on his blog. Not that anyone cares, but that's what this bloggin' stuff is about, no?

Anyway, my plan for this blog is to put up my thoughts about things I care about, and to make my trademark irrefutable arguments about said things. This is why I named this blog "Irrefutable Arguments." These arguements will not only be irrefutable because I will present evidence to support them in some cases, but mostly because I will not read any feedback I may or may not receive.

Thank you.