T-t-t-today, Junior!

I apologize for my complete lack of writing. I think I've written two or three posts over the last year, maybe. Being a total stud takes hard work. Beyond my duties as a total stud, I have to do countless hours of research reading websites and newspapers in order to get the type of ammo I need to write these silly, pointless columns. I have been inspired a couple of times, but usually late at night after an evening of fellowship, which for Mark P. means Michelob Ultras and Jager Bombs. Mass quanities of these beverages apparently make me very angry, because everything under "drafts" in my writing folder drips with a type of anger usually reserved for liberals imagining 20 years of cumulative Reagan/Bush years. The same type of anger I personally usually reserve for baby killers and Mike Kryzyzewski. A seriously mean type of anger. Anywho, I present to you what I will quite uncreatively dub "The Lost Blogs By Mark P." These are the angry ravings that a drunken lunatic (apparently me) left on my computer in the wee hours of a couple of mornings. I will date and annotate for your further enjoyment.

With much preceding ado...

THE LOST BLOGS OF MARK P.

(This first one was way back in November of '05. It's probably the angriest of them all. I'm leaving the typos in, but if you consider my probable condition at the time, it's not too bad. Sorry in advance all the cursing. Actually, I take that back.)

Holy Holy War, Batman

OK. I'll say it. Charles Krauthammer, Robert Novak, Sean Hannity, even Ann 'Motherfuckin' Coulter won't say it.

This is a war between Judeo-Christians and Muslims . In order to win, we have to kill all of the Muslims, and here's why. Because they want to kill us.

It only takes one side to declare a war to the death. My apologies to the friendly Muslims who I like and whose children I went to school with. Your people done fucked up, and if reasonable heads prevail (they won't, they never do. See: Hillary Clinton) you will all die at the hands of a fair, morally correct America.

MESSAGE TO RADICAL MUSLIMS:

If you attack our culture, you should die.

If you attack our people, you will die.

And if you walk your ass into my motherfucking house, rest assured, you will die. You will die a horrible, meaningless, stare-me-in-the-eyes-as-I-laugh, this-is-my-handgun-you-son-of-a-bitch death.

We live in America, which even public school graduates should know was built on our ability to believe what we want to believe and and defend whatever belief we have with a gun.

Hilarious liberals will defend those who wish to attack America, but that says more about the lefties than the maniacs they defend. CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, and MSNBC will champion the doomed Muslims, but television ratings say enough about idealogical, outmoded news outlets.

(Since then I've come to realize that a lot of people say it is a religious war. By the way, I have no idea what provoked this. Next we have a quaint little opinion from December 12, '05 about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.)


Katrina Doesn't Care About Black People

Holy shit, we Americans just got a newsflash. Ready?

A LARGER PERCENTAGE OF WHITES DIED IN KATRINA THAN BLACKS.

For those of you stuck in newtwork news-land, pre-storm New Oreans was 70 percent black, but only 60 percent those who died are black. In other words, if you were white in New Orleans during Katrina, you had a better chance of dying than if you were black.

I know facts are of no consequence to you liberal types, but these are clear. It is obvious, KATRINA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE!

Mother nature is a liberal! And to think all this time I thought she was reasonable.

Get this, public school types...

(That's where I end. I love to address public school types directly, although I myself went to public school. I'm not sure I learned much there other than how to manipulate other public school types for fun and profit. But that's niether here nor there. Next up is my favorite, a rather succint little number from July 13 of this year, '06. Short and sweet, caused by the news that Russian HNIC Vlad Putin made some disparaging comments about America.)


WE SHOULD HAVE NUKED THOSE BASTARDS

America won the Cold War. Remember you commie bastards? We won. We had nukes, lined up, aimed right at your punk asses and you had nukes aimed at us. Then, in magical fashion, a charismatic leader who articulated the virtues of capitalism defeated your status- quo figurehead and toppled your failed government. Remember that? Here, have a couple of squares of toilet paper. I've got plenty; I'm a capitalist.

(Well said if I do say so my damn self.)

Practical Deportation

Apparently one of the problems with any reasonable solution to America's illegal immigration problem (let's call it 'America's Problem With Mexicans) is what to do with the 11 million or so illegals already in this country. I have an idea! How about throwing a giant net over any of these massive protests, leading the protesters to the border, and kicking their butts out. Anybody who is a legitimate citizen will be allowed back in. Anyone else attempting to cross illegally should be treated as an invader to this country. This will cause a couple of things to happen. One, the protests will stop immediately and our agricultural infrastructure will return to normal. Also, Mexicans who wish to enter this country will think twice about doing so illegally.

Of course this will never happen and would require a military buildup at the border including snipers to pick off those stupid enough to take a chance at crossing. But we can dream, right? A more likely scenario is that the media succeeds in fooling America's fools into electing Hillary Clinton President and she appoint s Jimmy Carter as immigration czar. That'll strike fear into their eyes.

I understand the need for workers willing to perform menial labor for low wages. I also understand that there is already a class of millions of Americans who would be willing to to perform these jobs if the alternative was starvation rather than suckling the teet of the American taxpayer. It seems there's two American Dreams. The classic imagery of lifting oneself up by the bootstraps is now challenged by the modern version of wasting away, living off government handouts, complaining about opression and voting Democrat.

Anyway, I like Mexican food, so if Pedro who brings me my cheese dip doesn't have his green card, who am I to complain?

And In Other News, Deion Sanders Is Black

In probably the single least-newsworthy news story since Cindy Sheehan forgot to put on her make-up for her 15 minutes, Sheryl Swoopes is gay. In case you don't know, Sheryl Swoopes is a WNBA player who revealed to ESPN the Magazine that she has been in a long-term relationship with another woman. The only way anyone knows this is because ESPN reported it on Sportscenter, since nobody actually reads ESPN the Magazine. (Here's a clue, ESPN - marketing something you read to hip-hop types is kinda pointless, no matter how big you make the pictures.) I guess the only surprise here is that the WNBA chick in question turned out to be Swoopes, who has been married and is a mother. It is most definitely not a surprise that a female athlete is a lesbian.

Come on, we all have gaydars. Mine is finely tuned to snoop out lesbians, but only because I kind of like the Indigo Girls. Watch around 30 seconds of any WNBA game (I know, nobody deserves that kind of torture) and you'll turn your gaydar off because that thing will be going haywire. In fact, watch women's soccer, women's tennis, any women's sports and you will find a high percentage of women who are looking for a partner with the same plumbing as I am. This is not to say that male athletes are similarly disproportionately into Rump Ranging. In fact, just the opposite is true. Competitive athletics require a certain bravado, comraderie and competitive spirit that is associated with masculinity. It is true, and any of you Gloria Steinem types who disagree may be better served by coming to grips with the reality of our gender differences than by pretending that they don't exist.

So where does that leave our bleeding-heart flaming liberal friends? Hoping and praying that a male professional athlete will come out, that's where. Christian Laettner anyone? Well, hold your pansy breath, lefty. It ain't gonna happen. Visit the locker room of your local high school football team and see what the atmosphere is like. (Warning - don't do this if you are gay, you are likely to get your ass kicked and arrested.) If you would profess your love for penis in this testosterone den you are a badass and should seriously reconsider this gay thing.

A Fair Day At Our Fair State's State Fair

I live in the greatest state in the United States, anyone who's read my ramblings knows this. North Carolina is superior to all other states in every way except one - no booze in nudie bars. This is a small complaint about the home of barbecue, the Tarheels, the world's best beaches, the mountains (keeps hippies out of the cities), John Coltrane, small towns, large cities, hot women, and so much more. Poor fools in South Carolina and other wannabes don't know what they're missing, and the freaks in the blue states have themselves convinced that their way of life is better. Sure, I think one pillow-biter should have the right to marry another, but I also think Earl in Scotland Neck shouldn't have worry about it.

I mention my fair state and good 'ole fictional Earl because yesterday I went to the North Carolina State Fair. I went primarily to check out Phil Vasser and Leann Rimes. More specifically, to watch them soundcheck and check out their gear. More on this experience later. I also went to the fair to see what the bottom 10% of our state's population is up to. Short answer - eating fried candy bars and trying to win their girlfriend a Motley Crue mirror for the trailer.

Holy shit people, it's like everyone who didn't evacuate New Orleans and survived was airlifted into the fairgrounds. Include every latino construction worker and every caucasian employee of Wal-Mart in the state and you have a general idea of the average fairgoer. If you bombed the fairgrounds and killed everyone (save Leann Rimes, she is hot) you would instantly experience what I like to call the Bill Bennett effect. Crime way down, productivity way up. I couldn't help thinking what percentage of the money spent at the fair comes indirectly from the government through welfare and other leftist/socialist wealth redistribution plans. To be sure, these were the recipients of Marxist wealth redistribution, not exactly the type fretting over the reinstatement of the Death Tax.

Anywho, while I was there I decided to do as the Romans do and eat a deep fried candy bar. This could quite possibly be the worst thing I have ever put in my body nutritionally, but also among the tastiest. Christ, a melted Snickers bar on a stick surrounded some doughy shit and covered in powdered sugar. To quote the great and wise Hank Hill, "Peggy, get my keys!" This is unadulterated genius, and good enough reason to brave the Badlands and head to the fair. Stomach ache, be damned!

So I went to Leann Rimes soundcheck to check out the P.A. system and all the expensive goodies the players had, and to ogle at Leann. Well, living up to the stereotype she was a huge bitch and didn't show up at soundcheck because she was pissed about something or other, who knows. Just goes to show you, put a woman in charge of something and you are asking for trouble. Another way to ask for trouble, by the way, is to post your not-so-PC observations of life online.

Hockey Blocker 3000

Ok, to this point in my life I have not gained the level of wealth that I deserve. That will all change with my new invention, the Hockey Blocker 3000.

Now, I hate hockey with a passion usually reserved for Muslims who strap bombs to their chests and actually have the stones to pull the cord. However, given my libertarian-esque social outlook I wouldn't give a shit about this Canadian abomination if it never entered my sphere of consciousness, but apparently there are enough drunken Yankees that actually care about this euro-trash "sport" that ESPN must incessently remind us of who whacked what cowpie through which silly net. "Flevidov Jackmeoff ice skated for a while then scored a goal on Yuri Givshitnikoff to let the New Jersey Loudmouths beat the Kiev Communists." Stuart Scott's ebonic descriptions of this garbage (boo-ya!) may make Sal in Newark watch Sportscenter, but not me. Frankly, I'd rather watch soccer and if you knew how difficult that is for me to say you know the pain of a mother losing a son.

Alas, faithful readers, I have solved the problem! Install the handy Hockey Blocker 3000 on your television, radio and PC and never be annoyed by the Socialist Sport again! While Scott and the like boo-ya their way over another endless hockey segment on Sportscenter you will hear the soothing sounds of the ocean, some soft rock, or your own custom MP3 playlist! After the communist propaganda is over, you'll be returned to important sporting matters, such as anything remotely pertaining to the NFL. The Hockey Blocker 3000 uses space-age technology to sense when someone is about to committ Hockey Talk and begins your user-defined defense mechanism. Eventually, I can picture celebrity "block-casts" that feature your favorite real athletes talking about why they hate hockey. Now you can wage your own Cold War against the remaining influence of the Soviet Union!

With my newfound wealth, I plan on buying hockey teams one by one and disbanding them. I understand it would ruin the cash flow from the HB3k, but I'm a humanitarian at heart.

Boo-ya!

Katrina, You Ignorant Slut

A couple of weeks ago George Bush ordered a hurricane to hit New Orleans, then he forced tons of blacks to stay in town then he personally blocked any food and supplies from being delivered. Now he has the gumption to order another hurricane to hit the U.S., this time in my home state, the top state in the nation in every way, North Carolina. THE BASTARD! I swear, first he knocked down the World Trade Center, then he lied and kids died, then he raised gas prices, now this! Somehow during this time he managed to cause some children to be born retarded and force me to gain 25 pounds. He must be impeached!

Any damn fool who watches Jon Stewart for their news would believe all of these things.

By the way, Willie Parker is my hero. He worked his ass off at Carolina and never got any real glory because of the mediocrity (or worse) of the program, and in his first game as a pro he is the NFL Offensive Player of the Week.

I'm gonna go watch the weather channel and curse George Bush because he made it rain and my gig is cancelled.

The NBA Blows Ass

The NBA blows, and here is why: The drafts of two major sports are more exciting than even playoff NBA basketball.

It is true, you nancies, the NFL draft gets higher television ratings than the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. Oddly enough, the NBA draft gets higher television ratings than the first two rounds of the NBA playoffs. Think about this. These are drafts, nobody is playing a game. Nobody even finds out who did well and how bad the Clippers screwed up for years. YEARS! I mean, I enjoy the NFL and NBA drafts a lot, but they are pretty boring compared to watching ACTUAL SPORTS. Except for the NBA, which is worse than watching back hair grow.

I'd like to know the ratings for the NBA playoffs among Caucasians. I mean, look at how this horrible league is marketed - hip-hop music, guys with tattoos, cornrows, and more gold on their teeth than Mr. T has around his neck trying to tell my lilly-white ass to tune in and watch these genetic freaks shoot 35% from the field. No thanks.

So if the NBA sucks so badly, why is the draft so interesting? Of course I know, people. Pay attention and you too will have this exciting knowledge.

The NBA draft is interesting for two reasons. First, because people love college basketball so much that they watch to see where their guys go. I am a Carolina fan, not only because they have the best, most storied program in college basketball, but also because every other program is a classless, worthless piece of shit. So naturally I will tune in and watch these four guys get drafted that I've been following since they were in high school. I've seen them go from small town phenoms with bright futures to college saviors to National Champions. I've never met them, but I genuinely care about their futures. I'm not alone; many others are following their guys in the same way. Not dook, though. They didn't have any players anywhere NEAR good enough to be drafted this year. Also, they haven't followed their players to SHIT, other than early NCAA disappointment.

The next reason the NBA draft is exciting is because of the pure spectacle of seeing these teenagers and kids in their early 20's turn instantly from poor to rich. In many cases, these kids grew up in inner cities with absentee parents and no hope of a normal life. Sure, there are some kids who are bad kids and don't deserve shit, but for every one of them there is a Raymond Felton, who grew up in Latta, SC, without a pot to piss in. After tonight, he'll be able to burn one hundred dollar bills while he pisses in a gold plated pot encrusted with diamonds. That's pretty good TV.